Okay Geek Farm
Top 5 Worst Cell Phone Fads Ever
Darryl Cobb
Here it folks, it’s time I let something off my chest - This list is a combination of some of the most irritating, disgusting, down right horrible collection of mobile douche baggery to ever make it into existence. I got you covered with this one. I know some of you feel the same way I do about some of these things, so let the Failboat sail in and welcome the Worst Cell Phone Fads Ever!
5. Bluetooth Earpieces: Nominated by Fashion Experts and The TMI Foundation
Why would something so popular make this list? I don’t know, maybe because 90% of those that have them don’t need them and rock them like electronic earrings. I mean seriously, you got this ridiculous piece of hardware making you look like an schizophrenic half borg/half douche that is talking to themselves. I understand driving, I understand you people who are doing a hundred million things at once - I’m looking at you Pre-Paid Pimpin’, the Mass Transit Mack, or the person that hasn’t had an incoming call since the StarTac. And the side effect? It forces people to have the most embarrassing conversations, louder. As if I need to hear about your electricity getting cut off or that special rash the doctor gave you a shot for. For the love of my ears, your pride and just general decency, retire this.
4. The Cellphone Hostler: Nominated by Children that Love You
Yeah, I’m looking at you Doc Holiday. You thought you were all of that with your new 4.3 Inch touchscreen phone. You’re the envy of the office. No one had the EVO 4G before you. You walk into your Parent/Teacher conference doing your child a favor by showing how cool technology is to their friends. You stand at the ready to call 911 at the slightest hint of Al-Qaeda, flash mob, or Youtube worthy girl fight. But the only thing is, you brought that beautiful phone in on the worst Failboat known to man, The SS Douche. All to be serenaded as a Real Man of Genius. No one answers the phone as quick as you. Why? Because you are that desperate. And the biggest FAIL of them all? That special twitch move you do when you answer they phone because you are shocked someone actually called you. Look Constanza, the world will not end if a call doesn’t get answered on the half ring.
3. The MP3 Player w/ External Speakers: Nominated by The Angry Commuter Train People
The MP3 Player in itself is a great invention. I use my EVO 4G as my music player as I’m trying to migrate from the iPod Touch full time. But it’s that bag of douche that’s next to you, bobbing his head up and down creating the wackest soundtrack since Howard the Duck came into your life. It just screams, I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON THE PHONE AND I CAN’T AFFORD HEADPHONES! And what’s worse than that? When you see a group of these, patrons of the arts, gathered in a circle listening to their leader DJ for the whole train ride. But there’s something better than that, and that’s when they start to have a DJ battle of douche baggery and ridiculousness that will make unemployment and daytime TV seem attractive.
2. High End Smartphones on Prepaid Plans: Nominated by The Mislead Gold Diggers Association
Oh yes, I love this. I love seeing those shiny new IPhones, Blackberries, and even EVO 4Gs. But when I see people spending $400 dollars on a phone and then have the nerve to have it on a Pre-Paid account? To me, that shouts, “MY PRIORITIES AREN’T IN ORDER!” You’re propably the person with the Mercedez Benz on 20 inch rims parked in front of your mom’s house because you stay on the couch. You probably have everything name brand, from two years ago going to a job interview. Sorry guys, nothing turns a woman off like, “I gotta go, I don’t have any more minutes.” Don’t worry my man, consider your calls ignored after that brilliant piece of romance.
1. The Chirp: Nominated by Everyone Tired of that $%@#$ Sound
I hated this thing ever since it came out. I feel the creator of this device should be given the Braveheart treatment. Every 5 minutes you couldn’t walk down the street, ride the train or the bus, or simply just out minding your own business without feeling like there was an undercover drug bust about to go down. At least with the Bluetooth, you only heard one side of the ignorant conversation. With those chirp phones, you got both sides of the failures that these people live on a daily basis.
If you still have a chirp phone in 2010, please add FML to every sentence you use.
And with that folks, that’s the list. I hope no one reading this participates in any of these, because if you do then you’ve made our top 5. Look out next week when I’ll be doing the T3ch H3lp Top 5: Greatest Cell Phone Fads Ever!
